I got a life changing diagnosis and my friends don’t care --[Reported by Umva mag]

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to help someone struggling with their mental health and how to get your friends to be more supportive.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

I’ve recently found out I’m coeliac. It’s been a long time to get a diagnosis and I am glad that I finally know what’s been causing me so much pain and discomfort over the years. Since cutting out gluten, I feel empowered in my body for the first time in years and like I can be myself again. 

But my family and lots of my friends are being actively unhelpful. From dismissing the severity of coeliac disease, to inviting me round to dinner only to have made meals containing gluten, to not checking whether I can even eat at restaurants they’ve booked, it’s incredibly frustrating. 

I get that they may not understand, but considering they’ve seen me go through hell the past few years, I really thought they might be slightly more empathetic.

This IS incredibly frustrating and while I’m delighted that you have finally got your diagnosis and are starting to feel better within yourself, I’m really sorry that so many of the people in your life have been so unhelpful.

I don’t want to make excuses for them because their behaviour is not only really selfish and hurtful, but as I have no doubt you already know, you’re living with a condition shrouded in misconception and one that has wrongly (and fairly consistently) been stigmatised.

So much social media and media chatter over the last 10 years has been about how ‘millennials can’t handle anything anymore’. Everything from gluten free pasta, to vegan sausage rolls, to suffering with your mental health has been politicised as part of this ‘war on woke’ stuff.

It feels inevitable, therefore, that conditions like coeliac disease are being totally undermined, and I imagine it’s incredibly exasperating for you, as a sufferer, to have to contend with all these preconceptions and assumptions, on top of the physical side of things.

Like I say, I don’t want to excuse away their behaviour because it isn’t acceptable, but I think that might go a way to explaining why the severity of the condition is often underestimated.

With that in mind I think you need to be really clear with your boundaries, as painful and uncomfortable as that might feel. You need to tell your friends and family: ‘I cannot come to dinner if you can’t ensure that the food prepared is totally gluten free. I can bring my own food if that is easier, or you can come to mine, but I need to be 100% sure before I come over, that this is something you can do. I cannot afford to take this risk with my health, this is a really serious condition and I need you to treat it with the seriousness it, and I, deserve.’

This is not a message that needs to be filled with apology; you are stating a fact and advocating for yourself in the way that you need to. It’s easy to feel like a burden, or a pain, or like you’re being really difficult, but you’re really not asking for that much.

And I know a part of this will be rooted in the pain that you have to say anything at all, seeing as, like you say, these people have watched you suffer for years and should have a vested interested in your health going forwards.

It IS disappointing when the people we love don’t show up in the way that we want them to. But it’s also an inevitability sometimes too. People can only give us what they’ve got, and sometimes it’s not enough.

I’m really proud of you that you’re feeling empowered in your body again, and I’d encourage you to channel that energy into strident self advocation going forwards. You deserve to eat and to be well, and to be advocated for and supported by the people in your life.

If your friends and family cannot show up for you in the way you need, it’s not for you to risk your own suffering to appease them. Rather, it’s on them to step up and be what you need. Be firm in that and let’s hope they rise to the occasion. 

practical advice, but in the meantime, please please don’t underestimate the power of your presence.

My older sister and I are quite close and, to be honest, I’m worried about her mental health. She’s been having a tough time at work suffering from extreme burnout, broke her leg recently – which means she can’t exercise (her usual stress reliever) – and her friends have been pretty rubbish at making an effort to see her at home. 

I’m worried she’s slipping into depression (which she’s had before) and don’t know how I can coax her into therapy and perhaps antidepressants (which have helped in the past). I’m always here to listen to her, and I’ve made this clear, but I don’t know how much I’m helping. 

I love that you’ve noticed all of this, and I don’t think you should underestimate the value in that and how much you are probably already helping her in ways you might never understand. In seeing her struggle, you are validating it, and I think with that in mind, one of the most powerful things you can do is be so consistent in the way that you’re there for her.

As someone who has struggled with their own mental health this year, one of the hardest things for me has been feeling like a burden to my friends and family. I haven’t wanted to tell them over and over again that I feel rubbish because I assume that they’re all bored of hearing about it (our minds really are our own worst enemies sometimes!).

Showing her that you’re still there, and not bored – whether it be with a Facetime at the same time every day or a text when you wake up to say good morning – demonstrates that you’re not going anywhere and is incredibly valuable.

As for the suggestion of therapy or antidepressants, I don’t think it’d be overstepping for you to bring this up with her. Of course, there’s always the risk that she might initially be defensive or reactive at the suggestion (particularly if she’s been trying hard to hold it all together; to hear that you can see through the mask might be a bit upsetting for her to hear), but if she’s been down that road before, I’d say the chances are that she’d be receptive to it.

She might even be grateful; often admitting that we need help is a scary thing to do, and it’s easier with someone holding our hand. If it were me I’d approach it from the angle of her having lost the thing that normally enables her to cope since she broke her leg.

Ask her how she’s managing without exercise and if she’s been able to find anything to replace it. This gives you the opportunity to show her some real empathy and suggest some short-term solutions to help get her through a crap time.

She’s lucky to have you there and I have no doubt that she’ll be OK with you by her side. If you’re really worried please do check out the Mind website for more

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