I need to bail on my friend’s wedding but I can’t tell him why --[Reported by Umva mag]

Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, no matter how big or small, in a weekly agony aunt column.

Dear Alison, 

Can you offer a bit of advice please?

I’m supposed to be going to my friend’s wedding next week but I’ve just had a bit of bad health news and have been told I need to rest and ideally stay home for the next couple of weeks, until my next appointment. 

I really like this friend, but we’re not the best of mates, so he’s not completely in the know about the health scares I’ve been having lately. 

I have no choice but to bail but I feel like saying ‘I’m too sick to make it’ at such short notice either seems like I’m lying, or is just a bad excuse – especially because I don’t want to give him the intimate details of my condition. I had friends say they couldn’t come to my own wedding the week before (with much worse excuses) and it annoyed me a lot, so I really want to assure my friend that if I was able to attend, I would. 

I also know that weddings aren’t cheap and that by changing my RSVP at such short notice, I’m putting them out of pocket. Should I offer to pay for my meal?

Essentially, how do I soften the blow?

Thanks, 

Mark

Dear Mark,

I’m so sorry to hear about your health situation.

I understand that you want to do the right thing by your friend, but your health must always come first.

I would suggest you have a conversation with your friend as soon as you can.

Explain that you have been advised to rest at home for the next few weeks, which unfortunately means you cannot attend his wedding.

You do not have to disclose any details about your health in order to convince your friend you aren’t making excuses.

But be honest and sensitive – even though you are unwell – you should acknowledge that it is a last-minute cancellation and there will be a financial impact on the happy couple.

The sooner you tell them the better. Your friend may be able to cover your cancellation with someone else or inform the caterer, who may not have started ordering the food for the wedding, and allow him to reduce the costs. 

Speaking to him as quickly as possible allows him to try and resolve the situation.

Offering to pay for the meal or expenses is such a thoughtful gesture.

Let him know that you are aware of how much work and cost goes into planning a wedding and that you are happy to cover the cost of the meal or anything else. 

As well as everything you suggested, there are also some other personal gestures you could consider.

You could send a video message wishing the happy couple well on their wedding day.

Maybe even ask any mutual friends attending the wedding to convey your apologies and send your best wishes.

If you have not given a wedding gift, consider sending them a thoughtful, meaningful gift to show that you are thinking of them. It does not have to be extravagant, just something personalised.

When your friend returns from the honeymoon, maybe send a message asking how everything went. 

Show them that, despite missing the day, you are still thinking about them and their happiness.

Alternatively, you could suggest doing something special together after the wedding when you feel better. 

This could be as simple as taking the newlyweds out for dinner or drinks. It shows you do want to celebrate them and their relationship.

Hopefully, the happy couple understands your situation and appreciates your thoughtfulness.

One thing I will say is try to avoid comparing this to your own wedding experience. Your situation is truly unavoidable, while others may very well be making excuses. 

Remember, if they are good friends, they will only want what is best for you right now: to rest and recover. 

A true friend will know you are genuine in your reason to cancel.

Your health is your top priority.

Hoping you get well soon.

Best wishes,

Alison

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