6 people share the worst sex they’ve ever had --[Reported by Umva mag]

Wouldn’t it be great if every time we had sex, it was mind-blowing. But let’s be honest, we’ve all slipped excitedly between the sheets only to left, at best, disappointed.

Maybe someone’s dirty talk turned you off, or certain equipment didn’t work as hoped. Perhaps your partner was just a jerk or the awkwardness was simply too much to bear.

Either way, Metro asked six men and women to share their worst sex ever — and they’re all mortifyingly relatable.

So, let’s skip the small talk and go straight to the deeds we wish we could forget…

Blind date gone bad

Chloe, 32

I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend at a pub, and he soon suggested we go back to his for pizza. I should point out that I knew I did not fancy this man. Sex was literally the last thing on my mind.

However, drunk and back at his, the idea of sleeping with him didn’t seem so awful (it had been a while), and before I knew it we were snogging in his kitchen.

He was an okay kisser… but it all went downhill from there. The best way to describe him was ‘sloppy’. Plus, the white wine had a predictable effect: he couldn’t get it up. Look, it happens, but it was at this point that I seemed to come to my senses. We called it a day, and I started getting myself ready to leave.

While in the loo, I heard his doorbell ring. I came out of the bathroom to see him pressing the buzzer, allowing someone into his apartment building, and of course, I asked who it was. ‘Just a friend’, he replied, ‘she’s been on a night out.’ The pronoun ‘she’ hung in the air, as the pieces of the puzzle came together in my head: it was late, he was drunk, and she was a she.

‘Do you have sex with this friend?’ I asked, to which he sheepishly nodded. Just moments after almost having sex with me, while I was still in his flat, he seized yet another opportunity to do the deed: perhaps he hoped it would be second time lucky. I stood, unable to quite comprehend what was happening, while he muttered awkward apologies. Then, the urge to be as far away from this pathetic excuse for a human kicked in, and I made for the door.

My parting shot was to tell him that he was ‘shameful’ – the best I could do at the time, but I hope it landed. I didn’t see his next conquest on my way out, I can only assume he told her to hide in the bushes until the coast was clear. The next morning, I got a flimsy apology text, which I promptly deleted. I can laugh about it now, but it took a while to realise that I wasn’t the one that should have felt embarrassed, and a little grubby, after the incident.

Three-way disaster

Rebecca, 56

By 24, I’d only had one average sexual partner, and my friends decided I needed a sexual awakening. The perfect time was at a friend’s wedding in a country hotel, I was informed.

After a few drinks, I flirted madly with two men. Boldly, I went to my hotel room with them both, just tipsy enough to consider a threesome. Anyway, lots of snogging and fumbling ensued. I lost track of who was who by this point, but threw myself into proceedings. (No one says how exhausting this threesome thing is.)

We were all naked when the door burst open and a screaming woman was pulling one of the men away — I realised he was her husband. Another man, her brother then punched him, while my other man joined in as well.

Meanwhile, I’m still starkers when my friends turn up in the doorway, doubled over laughing at the commotion and trying not to wee themselves.

The hotel manager informed us all that the police had been called and the wedding disco had been halted which, of course, meant the rest of the guests came to see what was happening. I had slid off the bed, still naked, and was now under it. There I stayed until the police arrived.

A talking turn off

May, 30

I met this guy in a Wetherspoons (the height of class). I quite fancied him and was a bottle of house white deep, so I overlooked the cringeworthy nickname his mates called him – ‘big daddy’ – and went back to his flat after closing time.

In a series of bad decisions, I didn’t insist on using a condom as I was on the pill. Then, mid-shag, he started with some dirty talk and I wasn’t not into it – that is, until it turned into stuff like ‘you want me to be your baby daddy don’t you?’ and ‘I’m going to put a baby in you’.

It seriously killed the mood, so things finished awkwardly. Weirdly though, it didn’t stop him trying to walk me to the bus stop the next morning and asking to see me again, a request I politely declined.

Tick-list sex

Jason, 29

I was speaking to a girl on Tinder and we had arranged to meet up. When we finally did, all I remember is that she was kind of rude and had very bad chat.

Long story short, we ended up going back to mine anyway, although I probably should have just said bye and left it at that. It wasn’t really very sexy and there was no real build up to it, and I got the impression she wanted to do it because that was what she wanted to happen, rather than her specifically wanting to have sex with me.

It was super uneventful and she made no noises to suggest she was having a good time. When we finished, she got up and got changed, said bye and then left.

It was really strange and I felt like I was a tick list item, rather than someone she had wanted to have sex with.

False start

Caitlin, 25

I wasn’t long single and I was going through a bit of a wild phase, enjoying being in control of my body and all the male attention I was getting. I’d been messaging this guy on a dating app – I forget which one. He wasn’t my usual type, but he had decent banter.

He was a semi-pro boxer and a bit rough around the edges. An athlete with a bit of a bad boy exterior was definitely a weak spot for me. So we ended up back at mine and the wheels came off from there.

I’d wrongly assumed that he would be good in bed. It started with the kissing, which was dry and we were just out of sync with each other. I put it down to nerves and carried on.

We went to have sex and he was on top, although it was dead silent and I was wondering why we hadn’t started yet. He sort of looked like he was thrusting but five seconds later (I wish that was an exaggeration) he grunted and rolled off me.

His penis had been so small that I hadn’t felt it go in and his stamina had been non-existent, so he’d finished. I hadn’t even got going.

‘Was that good for you?’ he asked. ‘Not really,’ I said. I have no issue with guys being on the smaller side – in fact one of the best sexual experiences of my life was with a guy who was slightly smaller than average – but at least learn how to pleasure a woman.

We went straight to sleep and he left early — I’ve blanked every message from him since.

Bathroom blunder

Lola, 27

I’d been flirting with a girl on my uni course and it had been back and forth for a while. One day I decided I was going to invite her to a pre-party at my house before going to the club and, from the get go it was very clear what was going to happen.

She’d previously spoken about being poly but was in a relationship, and I definitely wasn’t in love with her but I did feel the flirtatious vibes. After a fair few drinks I asked her whether her relationship was currently open, and she confirmed that it was.

Cut to the chase and we ended up sleeping together in the club toilet, which was definitely not my classiest moment. The sex just wasn’t good even though we did actually take it back to mine afterwards, but there she decided she didn’t want me to do anything to her, she wanted to just pleasure me.

I felt like the biggest pillow princess which, on top of the fact that it wasn’t very good, just wasn’t it. When I woke up in the morning she’d actually left without saying goodbye on the premise that she ‘felt ill’ which I lowkey didn’t think was true – so awkward.

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].

The following news has been carefully analyzed, curated, and compiled by Umva Mag from a diverse range of people, sources, and reputable platforms. Our editorial team strives to ensure the accuracy and reliability of the information we provide. By combining insights from multiple perspectives, we aim to offer a well-rounded and comprehensive understanding of the events and stories that shape our world. Umva Mag values transparency, accountability, and journalistic integrity, ensuring that each piece of content is delivered with the utmost professionalism.