I've spent over $10K on friends' weddings in 2.5 years. Anyone who puts you in a hard financial situation isn't a good friend. --[Reported by Umva mag]

• Shannon Detrick has spent over $10,000 for friends' weddings and bachelorette parties since 2022.
• She emphasizes the importance of cost transparency and financial awareness in wedding planning.
• Good planning and open conversations helped her avoid resentment and overspending.

This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Shannon Detrick, a 29-year-old based outside Sacramento, California who works in the wedding industry. The following has been edited for length and clarity.

Since 2022, I've been part of four weddings and bachelorette parties, spending $10,804 altogether.

It's crazy to say that out loud — $10,000. That's almost half the cost of my own wedding. And that doesn't even include the four weddings for which we've been guests but not part of the wedding party.

But it's been really fun and well worth it to go on these awesome trips with my friends and have moments that really connect us. It's a once-in-a-lifetime thing I'm doing with my friends to honor them.

I've spent over $10,000 on weddings I was part of

For the first wedding, I spent $965 on the bachelorette party in Palm Springs and $916 on the wedding.

The second bachelorette party was in Miami and I spent $1,425. That wedding was within driving distance, and my husband and I spent $522 on it.

For the next wedding, I helped plan the bachelorette party in New Orleans. It cost $1,536 overall. My friend lives in Denver, so I had to fly my husband and me out for the wedding, and we spent $1,782.

The most recent wedding was definitely the one I spent the most on. My friend's wedding was in Maine, but most of the bridesmaids live in California, so she wanted to have her bachelorette party in California so that we could all drive there. That was nice because it took out the cost of flights.

Her sister and I were the maids of honor and we planned the bachelorette party in Sonoma, which is a very expensive area. It was also her 30th birthday, so we chose to be more extravagant about some things. It was exciting — it was the first time we experienced a trip like that, and likely the last time too.

Overall, I spent $1,676. Here's the breakdown:

• The house we stayed in was $519 per person for three nights. We split the bride's portion among us.
• Because I only live a few hours away, I only had to pay $45 for a tank of gas for transportation.
• I spent around $300 on things like decor, customized sweatshirts, and custom itineraries.
• The cabana and spa services for our spa day were gifted, but the tips were split between the maids of honor. I contributed $100.
• All of the meals, drinks, and wine tastings for three days came out to $712 a person, with each of us splitting the bride's costs as well.

The wedding was in Maine. My husband wasn't able to attend due to schedule conflicts, and I spent $1,982 alone.

• Hair and makeup cost $290.
• My dress was gifted so it was free, but alterations cost $200.
• The rehearsal dinner was black-tie, so I rented my dress from my monthly Rent the Runway subscription. I pay $155 a month for 10 items, so the cost of my rehearsal dinner dress was around $15.
• My portion of the cabin rental was $672 for three nights.
• My airfare to get to Maine was $760.
• The bride and groom covered most of the food costs that weekend, so I only spent $45.

All in all, the cost was worth it and I'd do it again.

My husband and I tried to keep costs low for our wedding

I was the first of my friends to get married, back in 2020, right before the pandemic. We wanted to have fun and not spend a ton of money. It cost around $25,000 to $30,000, which was on the lower end for California weddings. We mostly paid for it ourselves, with our families pitching in around $10,000 total.

I don't believe in the "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality and refuse to go into debt for anything like this, so right after we got engaged, I started mapping out roughly how much we needed to save.

We tried to keep costs low for everyone. I had six bridesmaids and understood that everybody had different financial backgrounds. I kept it very open-ended when it came to my bachelorette party, which took place in a small winery town near me. I said, "If you want to come, come. If not, that's totally fine."

At the wedding, most of the members of our wedding party stayed for free in the big house on the wedding venue's property. I let everyone choose their own bridesmaid dresses, just asking that they be burgundy. I think most people spent around a hundred dollars on their dresses. Hair and makeup cost around $150 total per person. I informed everyone of the pricing in advance and told them it wasn't mandatory. We also covered food and beverages.

It's essential to set expectations and have cost transparency

Being asked to be part of a friend's wedding party is emotional; obviously, you want to say yes. But it's important to understand that it comes with a financial obligation.

All my friends have been really good about being upfront about costs and not putting expectations on each other. I don't know if maybe my wedding set the tone for everyone being really conscious of how much they're asking, but it felt like everything was pretty well reciprocated when I attended their celebrations. At one of my friend's weddings, she let us stay at her Airbnb for free since her accommodation at our wedding was also free. I didn't expect that, but it was awesome to have that reciprocated.

It's the couple's responsibility to be super transparent about costs if possible; everyone has different ideas about what's expensive. Be really open to everyone's personal limitations — what you may view as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity could put your friend or family member in an uncomfortable financial situation.

It's really important to focus on your priority — to be surrounded by the people you love — rather than on materialistic things. If a friend pressures you or says, "If you don't attend this, we're not friends," then they're not a good friend.

The cost of things can be hard to figure out

It's hard to know how much being part of a wedding party will cost because many times, the couple hasn't even done their own preliminary budgeting when selecting their wedding party.

I have a unique perspective because from 2021 to 2023, I worked in marketing for a bachelorette company. The company helped people plan group travel, so I was very immersed in that world and knew about all of the popular destinations, the costs, and all of that. After that, I moved to an online wedding planning company and worked as the director of social there for about a year, and now I'm a full-time contractor still working with clients in the wedding industry.

So I haven't been surprised by the cost of things. I'm usually the person that people turn to to ask if a price is normal and what they should expect for these things. There's no "normal." It's up to you as a group to figure out what you're comfortable spending and be really transparent from the beginning.

That's why I post videos on TikTok and Instagram about how much I've spent on weddings; it's not because I have regrets or to make my friends feel bad in any way. It's to help make people aware of the costs and hopefully make smart decisions from there. It's a lot easier to understand what you're signing up for if you know from the beginning.

There's also the issue of budgeting time off to attend friends' weddings — it starts to add up. A friend's bachelorette trip was in March 2022 and while I technically had unlimited PTO at the bachelorette party company I was working for, I felt stressed about taking time off — which is ironic, because I was going on a bachelorette party and experiencing the things we were selling.

At one of the next weddings I'm in, a bridesmaid works hourly and was like, "For every event, I have to take off time and I'm missing out on the money." So she's not just taking the time off, she's also missing the compensation that comes with that time off. That can be really, really challenging.

I have no resentment about how much I spend because I plan for it

I'm in two more weddings and three bachelorette parties next year. I already have my budget for next year's weddings outlined.

Fortunately, my husband and I can afford to take on these expenses. I've never gone into debt for any of this. Of course, the money could have hypothetically gone toward other things, but it's a choice I've made. I don't like to live in the past and worry about all of the other things I could've spent the money on.

When I say yes, I know what I'm saying yes to, and I don't feel any resentment. I always say to my friends, "You get one and then I'm not doing this again." It's fun and exciting to be part of their wedding events; I wouldn't miss it. It's totally worth it.

If you'd like to share your story about the financial aspect of attending or planning weddings, email Jane Zhang at [email protected].

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